I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)