Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend