Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

choose your fighter

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.