Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

#Caturday

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

she has a point

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye