Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”