I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
🤣🤣💀
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Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
when a toddler tells a story
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”