Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.