Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.