I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss