Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

If a snake ate a cake

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Simple enough.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”