I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old