I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
finally
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence