Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.