Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

relationship goals

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.