I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I am crying
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine