I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
You Might Also Like
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
don’t be scared
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
dads on road-trips be like
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Why am I like this?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*