I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.