Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

🎵 I can’t wait to

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

i would wish you the best but i am the best

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!