Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Not recommended for beginners.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.