Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

No, YOUR illiterate.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.