Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Noah

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.