I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
sir, my pâté if you please
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.