Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.