I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
You Might Also Like
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
my first dose meeting my second
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single