Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here