I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Need this in my life lol
Ferrari squats
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one