I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Does it…does it take 3 days
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.