Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

being a writer on Twitter:

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.