I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why