@Gupton68

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

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@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@Lucifervor

Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.

@JodingersCat

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

@MariyaAlexander

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@texasstalkermom

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

@donni

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free