Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.