Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,