Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.