Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.