Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.