Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience