I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk