Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.