I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*