Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.