Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Möther may I have a snäck

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

incredible book dedication

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words