Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.