Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.