Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I love twitter

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

turning my gender off to conserve energy

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded