I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
You Might Also Like
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
As a doctor, I can confirm
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.