I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
dam girl
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with