I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts