I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.