Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Ugh but profoundly

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face