I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When I play the kazoo, I play to win