I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
worst…sale…ever
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
eggs benadryl
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
This will teach them to underestimate me
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on