I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I love texting my boyfriend
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