i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
A friend sent me this.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me