i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?