Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Bless you

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times