Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Sunday

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.