Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.