I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
emergency phone
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
orange cat behavior
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
