I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver