I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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That took me a moment.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Meanwhile in Portland…
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I just tested negative for patience.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.