I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*