I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I hate my earbuds.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older