“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
You Might Also Like
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Lmao
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience