“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
You Might Also Like
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Aight bet
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*