“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I hate my earbuds.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”