Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

work smarter, not harder

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

i was baptized in a car wash

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…