I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
2024 has been a rough few years
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Yup!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.