@ficklenuts

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

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@TheOnion

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

@jellybnbonanza

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

@SortaBad

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@419BillE

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

@Gooooats

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.

@BoogTweets

What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad

@Dustinkcouch

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.