I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
i made a craigslist ad !
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)