Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.
What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.