I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Finally!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*