Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

there’s probably a fee though

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Me too

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.