I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick