I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I told my vodka about you.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶