I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
🤣
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”