I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married