I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush