I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Every damn time
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.