Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.