Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear