I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.