Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.