I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.