I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.